The Crucible: Lessons in Seasons of Burnout
Again. Again, my nurse called out for help with her combative patient. Another dose IM Geodon was dispensed and another grouping of careful holders- fearful of hurting and being hurt- to inject this patient again. Again. How many times would we relive this cycle?
Another nurse hurried up to me, asking for help with her fasting study. The blood sugar had finally dropped. Of course, it had. Right in the middle of this patient’s behavior escalation. I sighed and asked the first nurse if she was good. She nodded, eyes a little misty and body seeming weary. I scuttled off the help the next nurse- collecting those precious drops of blood as quickly as possible, while assuring parents of the normalcy of the rush. Fear brims in their eyes as they look on, helpless, exhausted and eagerly awaiting the end of this grueling test. Soon we would have answers and a better plan, we reassured them.
As I make my way back to the charge nurse seat my mind is rushing through all of the patients- the ones who will leave, the ones that I think had the potential to go downhill today, the ones that have been broken body and soul, and the ones with parents that are beyond the point of reason. I mentally take the rabbit trail and consider the news given to us this week, news that we already knew, but had waited for an official statement. We would be adding a fourth specialty to our floor, one that I neither liked, nor had experience with. A very complex addition to our already complex mix. I sigh a heavy, weighty sigh.
I cared for the patients, I wanted the best for them, but my heart had seen too much tragedy, my body had been pushed too hard, my mind had too much to process and I found myself passionless for this work. I had been toying with the idea of leaving nursing altogether. Maybe I could hone some of my other talents and make money with those…. Maybe we could financially swing a shift to me staying home with the kids…
Another nurse buzzed by, it wasn’t quite a run, but was pretty close. I ask her what’s going on? An NG tube was on the verge of being pulled out and this patient had been here so long already. That tube needed to stay in. No, she didn’t need my help. And that is how the days go, especially on charge nurse days. Insanely busy and never with enough time. And so, I walk into work and walk out of work beat down, exhausted, realizing the identity of the nurse no longer satisfies, the job has taken so much joy. I am beyond burnt out.
This was a period of time when I struggled with having a good attitude, speaking encouragement, trusting God’s plan and work. I struggled so hard with seeing beyond myself and my circumstances. I felt like I had nothing left to give, and yet my patients and profession demanded more. Would they steal my soul too?
In that season of burn out the Lord showed me some pretty amazing things. He taught me to be brave, because he will use who he pleases- the passionate and the passionless. He calls both and sometimes it is the passionless person who is more obedient because they feel they have less to lose. The lord taught me that being obedient in simple ways was sacrificial and showed the world an otherworldly love, a Christ-like love. If I served with all that I have with no emotional reward, the act was still loving and had become a sacrifice of love to another. Was it hard? Absolutely. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control. Against these there is no law.” Our ability to serve Jesus has no ties to our passion. Whether zealous or passionless we have the same choice- today will I love others and follow Jesus?
During that season I also learned to be content, no matter what the circumstances. This was a long, slow, painful and difficult lesson, like slowly being consumed by fire. I remember almost daily crying out to the Lord to change my circumstances. About a year into burnout, cried out to him, yet again, telling him repeatedly of all my frustrations, exhaustion, and complaints. As I drove home and cried, He brought to mind the Israelites wandering in the desert and whispered to my heart, “you know they complained non-stop also, and it got to the point where I loathed their presence. I would really like you to stop complaining so I don’t loathe you as well.” OUCH! That hurt. But it was true. I had become so bitter in my complaining. It had never occurred to me that though you have been accepted, saved and forgiven through the work of Jesus, that your unrepentant sin could make you loathsome to God. The realization of the possibility scared me.
Through that word of reproach, I learned that contentment is a choice, not merely an emotion. And if I was to be like Christ in my patient care, I needed to choose to not only be obedient, but to choose contentment, though every fiber of my being screamed for an escape. Please don’t mistake me. This is not a “keep calm and carry on” approach. This is a daily conversation with the Lord, a daily submission of my will to align with His. It was asking God to help me to choose contentment, thankfulness, and an upright attitude.
Please don’t believe for a second that we can will ourselves into a right heart before the Lord. Paul in the letter to the church in Galatians tell us that it is the fruit of the Spirit. That means that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control do not and cannot come from us, but from the Triune God.
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life would loose it, but whoever looses his life for my sake will find it.”
And perhaps, to truly understand Jesus’ mandate in Matthew 16:24, one must remain faithful to God’s calling and obedient to the Holy Spirit’s prompting, even in the midst of burn out. Friends, Jesus is enough to carry you when you can no longer carry yourself.
“Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.”
Are you burnt out in this never ending COVID season? Is your heart weary and your emotions spent? Jesus is with you, friend. He makes a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert (Isaiah 43:19). He calls you to more, to life in the midst of burnout, of refining in the fire. Do not be consumed by burnout, but rather consume your burnout with Christ.
“Fear not for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass though the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” Isaiah 43:1-3
Written by Sara Danielle Hill